Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

Self Compassion by Kristin Neff

 
Self-Compassion teaches the principle of treating ourselves more kindly. In general as humans, and especially in our western culture, we tend to be internally critical. Kristin teaches that we should be more kind to ourselves, that self-criticism actually does significant damage to our happiness, and that through having compassion for our mistakes, hard times, and pain, we can find more peace. Kristin wrote this book in a very personal voice, including sharing some of her pain and mistakes. In a vulnerable way she shares times she had to give her self-compassion. This book presents a unique take on how we talk to ourselves, and provides a significant insight worthy of deep consideration.

10 Personal Development Lessons from Self-Compassion

1)  There are few people we treat more poorly than we treat ourselves.
Think about how you treat someone you care about when they have a hard time? We often respond with compassion and kindness. Yet in our own lives we can be extremely harsh. Why do we treat ourselves worse than we treat others when we make a mistake?   Next time you make a mistake, think of your best friend, the person who cares about you the most...then treat yourself the way you imagine this friend would treat you in that situation. So much kinder than your own normal attacks on yourself right?


2) We talk to ourselves in brutal ways, pay attention to it.
This is a fairly common theme in self-help books. There is value in improving your self talk. But Kristin talks specifically about the way we talk to ourselves when we make a mistake. Say I stumble in a conversation with my boss, what kind of language do I use to describe the mistake to myself? Often I end up saying 'I am so stupid, how could I be so dumb."  This kind of language is just brutal to our systems, and is the exact opposite of healthy, self-compassionate words.

3) Humans fail and make mistakes, it's part of life. Accept it.
Did you just put your foot in your mouth while flirting with the cute girl next door? What about sending an email to an unintended recipient? Or maybe you just missed the big shot in your latest basketball game? Guess what? You are not alone. There are millions of people before you who have made mistakes just like yours, some much worse. It's part of the human experience to fail at times; it's natural to make mistakes. Accepting that these things are part of the human experience can lead to us be much more gentle with ourselves.

4) Self-compassion allows us the breathing room to admit our mistakes. Admitting mistakes allows us to improve.
Another common theme in personal development books is some version of "Learn from your mistakes."  The trouble is, if we are constantly beating ourselves up for every mistake we make, we make ourselves feel so horrible that we become afraid to admit mistakes, even (or maybe especially) to ourselves. However, if we treat mistakes with compassion, see ourselves as human, and give ourselves kindness in those moments of failure, we become more free to admit our mistakes, and therefore more able to confront them and work to improve.  Be careful doing this though, it may lead to healthy behavior.

5)  "I love and respect myself exactly as I am"
Just simply a great mantra to repeat to yourself often. It doesn't mean we can't look to improve, and it doesn't mean we don't want to be better, it simply means that we can care for ourselves just as we are, and that we are worthy of love. Try it. Use this in your daily quiet time or anytime you start to beat yourself up.

6) Mindfulness is critical to self-compassion.
Mindfulness is the ability to recognize how we are doing in the moment. Many times we get upset, angry, frustrated, or some other negative emotion and we begin to beat ourselves up before we even recognize the emotion we are feeling. Developing the skill of checking ourselves out, asking "how am I really doing right now?" allows us to recognize a difficult emotion. Once recognized we can give ourselves healthy care and compassion. 

7) Don't beat yourself up for beating yourself up
Conversation I had with myself: "Man, I read this great book about self-compassion, it sounds awesome. Why am I such a moron that I can't even be nice to myself once in a while. What an idiot I am for not practicing self-compassion."  Don't do that. Show yourself compassion for not showing enough compassion, and then build from there.

8)  Self-compassion helps me stay out of the cycle of poor behavior. 
One of the most common cycles in human behavior is to do something that makes us feel bad, which leads to us trying to find something to ease that pain, choosing something that brings momentary pleasure but long term pain, and then ending right back up in the pain again, and looking for a way to ease it.  Around and around we go. Get out of that cycle by feeling the pain, accepting it, giving yourself compassion for hurting, and then moving through it.


9) Suffering=resistance*pain
Kristin puts this formula in her book, and it took me a little while to think through it, but there is a reality here. We do have to feel pain, but we don't have to suffer for it. Allowing ourselves to feel the pain, to grieve, to have compassion for ourselves during this time, can significantly ease our suffering. Resistance is futile.

10)  Self-Esteem is overrated, empty, and has unintended consequences.
Kristin makes the point very strongly that self-compassion is much better than self-esteem. Self-esteem is based on accomplishment, and depends on us appearing to be good in all environments. This can have the unintended consequence of us putting others down to appear better, or not trying difficult things if we are afraid of failure. Try working on self-compassion instead, it can help us feel peace even in difficult times.

Should You Read It?
Often when I summarize a book with 10 key points I feel like I have done a decent job of covering the book. In this case I haven't scratched the surface. Kristin shares deep insights in each chapter, and my notes left me with over 30 points I wanted to remember and apply.  She believes strongly in meditation, and shares some detailed meditations in the book which I have found helpful. (She also generously posts many of these meditations on her website, www.self-compassion.org)  After reading through hundreds of self-development books which talk about vision, goal setting, achieving, attaining, and winning, I found it refreshing to read something about caring for myself, and the power of treating myself with kindness.  This book has led to significant positive changes in my life, and I can't give a book a better recommendation than that.  I would highly recommend a reading of Self-Compassion.

Personal Development Score - 93

Goals - How To Get Everything You Want -- Faster Than You Ever Thought Possible

Goals! - How To Get Everything You Want -- Faster Than You Ever Thought Possible - Brian Tracy

 

Goals! is a simple book written by self-help guru Brian Tracy. The principles in this book are not new, in fact a reading of this book after reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People showed me just how many of these concepts Brian lifted from the ideas of Stephen Covey. Goals! is a slick packaging of a lot of common principles, and it includes some simple tools which are handy for implementing goals in your life. I actually like this book quite a lot, probably more than I should. There are some principles which resonate with me, and Brian is the king of pithy sayings which stick. I mostly find the book to be motivational and a good reminder.

Summary

It is a commonly stated fact that those who set written goals achieve much more than those who don't. (Some of the studies which claim to show this correlation have been questioned, but that is a discussion for another time.) Most of us would agree that setting goals and then working to achieve those goals can help us accomplish more. Brian believes the principle of consistently setting goals then working to meet those goals every single day will lead to a quantum leap in our success. He states his belief with such passion in this little book, it's hard to disagree with him.

10 Personal Development Lessons from Goals!

 1) You will get what you think about most of the time.
Brian believes strongly that what your mind is on is what you will achieve. The interesting thing is, even if we are thinking of something negative, such as "I hope I don't fail at this speech", the mind doesn't understand the negative and you will end up with exactly what you feared. So focus your thoughts on the positive, and put in your mind what it is you want to achieve and think about it most of the time.

2) Pick a goal, make it clear, and work on it every day.
This statement sums up the book pretty well, and it's a reminder many of us need. If we first pick a goal. Then work hard to make extremely clear in our minds what we want to achieve. And if we work on that goal every single day, then there is no limit to what heights we can soar. Pretty simple formula, but how often do we follow it? If you are writing a book, do you write every single day? What about focused work on a key relationship. Is it occasional or do you work on it every day? Today is all we have, if we aren't working on it today then we aren't getting any closer.  Living by this one principle will bring great success in meeting your goals.

3) Accept where you are, so you know where you need to get.
Fairly obvious point right? But how often do we do it? How often do we get truly honest with ourselves about where we are today? Taking the time to consciously evaluate our current state pays great dividends. If I want to run a 20 minute 5K, but am currently running 10 minutes per mile, I can't start working out at 6:20/mile. I can get there, but I have to start from where I am, and that requires honesty.

4) Practice Zero Based Thinking
Zero based thinking says "If I could start completely over, knowing what I know now, what habit, relationship, or item in my life would I remove?"  Then eliminating those items from our lives.  It also asks the questions "If I could start completely over, what habits, relationships, or items would I put into my life?" and then adds those items to your life. This can be a cool exercise. If you could totally start over, what would you get rid of, and what would you add?  If you have a clear answer, make it happen. This activity also takes great courage by the way. What if you realize that what you would remove from your life is your current career? That might be scary, or it might be exhilarating.

5) Put in place deliberate measures.
Measures are good for you, and they are good for your sub-conscious mind. Develop benchmarks, goals and deadlines. Without measuring it is so easy to put things off and claim we are succeeding. There is a huge difference between completing 95% of the task and completely 100%, so measure what you complete. Become addicted to completing things. Items which are incomplete bring a lot of stress into our lives. Keeping an accurate measure of progress can build confidence, and it makes it difficult to kid ourselves about how we are doing. A simple example is writing down every time you exercise. The record doesn't lie. Are you REALLY exercising 5 times a week, or is it actually 3? On the other hand, when you succeed there is a record right in front of you of your success, and success leads to more success.

6) Write down obstacles
 One of Brian's greatest strengths is suggesting exercises which can be extremely helpful in applying principles into our life. There are several excellent exercises in Goals!, and these exercises may be the best reason to read the book. The next three items are my favorite of his suggestions. I have applied them all and I love the results. The first exercise is to select one of your goals, i.e. "I make $150,000 a year". He then suggests that you write it on top of a piece of paper, and then write every reason you can think of that you have not reached that goal yet. Don't just give up at 5-6 thoughts, push yourself until you have a thorough list. Then go to work on eliminating those obstacles. This can help focus your efforts on the very areas which are holding you back.

7) Write your goals every single day.
Probably my favorite portion of this book is Brian's suggestion on writing down your goals every single day. If we get what we think about most of the time, then the work we do to think about achieving our goals more often is useful. Brian suggests that every day, either first thing in the morning, or just before bed, you sit down with a blank piece of paper and write down your top 10 goals. Use good goal writing language (start with I, use present and positive language, etc), and write them without looking at what you wrote yesterday. The goals will likely shift and change day by day as you refine your thinking, but they will become imprinted on your brain and will be top of mind through all of your endeavors. I've tried this, it's powerful. 

8)  Mindstorming
The final exercise I would recommend from the book is the practicing of mindstorming. It's Brian Tracy's take on brainstorming, and is again a simple, effective method for improving focus.  Start again with a blank piece of paper, put one of your goals on the top of the paper, then write down 20 actions you could take to meet that goal. Don't stop until you get to at least 20. There is real power in this practice, it can lead to a jolt of creativity.

9) Importance of relationships in meeting goals
Fostering relationships is a key part of nearly any goal. The bigger network you have, the more likely it is there is someone who can help you reach your goal. So work on relationships, and then talk to the people you in your network about your goals. Just like everything else, build an effective plan to create and strengthen relationships, don't just let it happen. If you don't plan it, you will get someone's plan, and they were planning what they want, not what you want.

10) Get to it and stick to it
Brian's final words are simply get started on your goals, and then stick to them. Starting builds momentum, and then when the emotion and excitement of starting your goal has passed, have the moral fortitude to stick with it. You may read this advice and laugh at the simplicity of it. Of course you have to start a goal to complete it, and you won't finish if you don't stick to it.  But think about it, how many of your major goals do you not start because of fear or laziness or procrastination? And of those you do start, how many do you stick with long enough to complete? Fix these two things. Start your goals, and then stick with them through all difficulty, and you will realize the promise of Goals.

Should you read it?
Goals! is a bit of a hard book for me to judge. I can't point at anything groundbreaking or innovative in it's pages. It is mainly a rehashing of principles taught by so many others. Yet it is packaged in such a way that I personally find it motivating. So perhaps my best advice to you would be, if you need a quick lift to get moving or to stick with some of your key goals, grab this book and pour through it. It's a fast read, and the motivation you will get from a few hours investment is worth it. If you are looking for some fresh new insight, then this book probably isn't the place to get it. At the very least, read this book to understand the tools and exercises Brian suggests, I really like his design and explanation of them.

Personal Development Score: 83

Les Miserables

Les Miserables by Victor Hugo

Les Miserables a personal development book? For me the answer is a resounding yes. In fact, the book was transformational as I read it from the perspective of learning lessons of personal change. The lessons learned from this book could (and have) filled up volumes. I had seen the play and the movie, but only recently did I sit down and read the entire unabridged version of this magnificent book. I read it like a self help book, and the lessons I learned were remarkable.

Summary

I don't need to spend much time summarizing the well known story. Simply put, it is the story of the journey of Jean Valjean from prison, to loneliness, to giving love, to receiving love, to a noble, redeemed man. Surrounded by fully developed characters, Valjean travels a path which can open our eyes to the nobleness of the human spirit and the futility of cruel judgment.

10 Powerful Personal Development Lessons from Les Miserables

1) Redemption

The book causes my spirits to soar to a place where redemption is both possible and real. The story of the destitute Jean Valjean, who has no friends, no family, and no hope, and then transforms into a man of love and fulfillment, is a story which makes me soul believe I can be redeemed from my mistakes and difficulties. Perhaps hope is one of the greatest human virtues. A hope that the struggles of today can be transformed into the joy of tomorrow. Les Miserables carries that hope.
 

2) The power that one person can have in another person's life.

The priest's good deed changes Jean Valjean forever. Valjean pulls Cosette out of destitution. Cosette gives Marius a reason to live. The principle taught is the ability of one person to transform another. Who do I have the opportunity and ability to transform? Do I get stuck in my own selfish life and ignore the very people who could most use my help? It would have been so easy for the priest to let Valjean suffer forever. He didn't need to offer his help. But that offer of help impacted many lives. I can look for the same opportunities, even in small ways.

3) People can change, a quest for justice can blind us to the person inside and what they can become.
Javert lived by two simple creeds. Justice must be done, and once a criminal always a criminal. He was noble in his own way, honest to his values. However, his values led him astray. How often do we make the same mistake? When someone has wronged us do we throw ourselves on a quest for justice, or plant in our mind the idea that this person will never change? It's so easy to have an unquenchable thirst for punishment for those who have done wrong, but what a waste of energy. I learn from the poor example of Javert the power of seeing people not only as they are, but as they can become.


4) The greatness of the human spirit
The human spirit is truly noble and resilient. Perhaps this is just another version of the power of redemption, but to see Cosette and Valjean both be forgotten by society, only to find each other and find new lives together leads me to think of the power we have in our spirit. They are literally alone, there is no one who cares for either of them. Yet finding love in each other brings them to a state of joy and contentment in life neither thought possible. The human soul can recover from, and achieve anything, and this book reminds me of that power.

5) There are key moments where our resolve to change is tested.
Due to the charity of the priest, Jean Valjean becomes a changed man. He employs hundreds of workers, serves as mayor, and is a genuinely good and compassionate man. Suddenly, an opportunity arrives for him to be clear and free forever. Another man is accused of being the criminal Jean Valjean. This tests him like nothing ever has. Is he truly changed when difficulty arrives? His character is put through the refiners fire. This happens to me, and you, as well. We make a change, make progress, and feel like we are on our way. Then a challenge hits us. That moment, that very moment, is when we decide to truly change, or to go back to former weakness. Those are the moments which define greatness. We must recognize them, and live up to them with integrity.


6) Love for another can give us a mission and save our life
Valjean had improved his life, made good decisions, and was on the way to a life of goodness. He was truly transformed when Cosette was brought into his life. Perhaps we could say this completed his transformation. "To love another person is to see the face of God." When Valjean found someone else to live for, his life and mission were truly complete. It is through love, relationships, and other people that I can find the most ennobling and satisfying life.


7) There are those who are truly forgotten.
There are those in our society who really are pushed aside and forgotten. It's easy to forget this as I struggle with my own difficulties. Seeking out these people and finding a way to help may be one of lives greatest missions.


8) Don't be afraid of a challenge.
The unabridged version of Les Miserables is not an easy read. 1,500 pages long, complete with every detail of the Paris sewer system. Hugo likes to use details, and he uses them liberally. There are a high number of characters which are not easy to keep track of. There were several times when my reading pace slowed to a crawl. There were times I was tempted to watch the play again and call it good. But when I read the last paragraph, and felt the entire transformation of Jean Valjean, I knew I had been changed. Had I given up in the face of the challenge I would have missed out on a powerful experience. Don't be afraid of a challenge, in fact often it makes sense to seek out a challenge and find out what you can learn from it.


9) Real courage comes from helping another. Nothing else can lead us to such great heights.
There is a point in the book where Javert is chasing Valjean, who has recently rescued Cosette and has her in tow. Valjean reaches a dead end and seems to have no options for escape. He simply cannot bear the thought of losing Cosette after saving her, so he uses nearly superhuman courage and strength to climb into a convent. Real courage and strength come when we are living for someone else. Valjean likely would not have had the courage to escape where it just his own life he were trying to save. Real courage is shown by a father diving into a river to save his child, or a single mother sacrificing all to give her children a better life. Truly, deeply, intimately loving someone can take show us new heights of courage.


10) Choose books wisely, because reading can be transformational
There is nothing wrong with reading a book simply for enjoyment. But reading this book led me to see the incredible power which can be in the pages of a truly powerful book. It's a lesson I will remember as I select books in the future. A book which brings me hope, ennobles my spirit, and makes me contemplate the opportunity to be redeemed is an experience not to be forgotten. Select your next read carefully.


Should you read it?
Les Miserables is not an easy book, as already mentioned. It takes a large time commitment to get through, and there are some passages which you will find dull (unless your interest in the details of the Paris sewer system is high). However, it is one of the finest books ever written, and is worth the effort and time commitment. When you finish this book, you will feel like you have accomplished something. Try reading it from the perspective of personal development, and you will surely pick up important insights. However, if your intent is to increase your knowledge of personal development I would probably start with several other books before using this as a resource. If you want a great novel that will stretch your heart, pick Les Miserables up and commit to it.


Personal Development Score - 86 (Much higher rating as a novel however)

7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R Covey

What  better place to start a blog on self development books than with one of the landmark books of self improvement. 7 Habits has become so popular that it has almost become unpopular.  Words like "paradigm shift" and "proactive" have become punchlines for cynics.

The fact remains, this book is perhaps the single most influential self help book of the past 30 years, and even more importantly to me, the principles still touch me deep in my core. Each time I read this book, I come away with the same feeling:
"If I really implemented the contents of this book into my life, my effectiveness really would improve." 

In fact, it was a recent reading of the book which inspired me to quit messing around with only urgent activities and put effort into this blog.

I am not going to spend a great deal of time giving an overview of the contents of a book like 7 Habits. The concepts are likely familiar to most. What I will do is share a basic summary, then 10 points that if applied, will make a real difference in your life.

Summary
Stephen Covey's thesis is fairly simple. There are governing principles of effectiveness which are just as real as the forces of nature. We can't break the law of gravity, we can only work with it. The principles of success are similar. Covey's point is that there are various "get rich quick" schemes in the world which promise a quick path to success.  But these items, skills such as slick sales techniques, or personality enhancing tricks designed to get people to like us, simply don't lead to long term effectiveness unless at our core we are following correct principles. His 7 habits are applications of these correct principles, and if followed will lead to much greater personal effectiveness.

10 Power Principles

1) Production vs Production Capacity

 A classic Coveyism is the principle of working both on production and production capacity. Breaking this down to it's simplest form, it is taking the time to get the oil changed in your car (production capacity) rather than driving (production) the car to it's death. We live and follow this principle in many areas of our lives, but how much effort do we put into strengthening relationships before we hit trouble? I know I often worry about what a relationship will give me (production) rather than spending key time strengthening the very core of that relationship (production capacity).
  

2) As soon as you have the thought that the problem is out there, that thought is the problem.

 An effective, powerful person is not a victim. The problem is never "out there", because if the problem is out there, then the solution is out of our control. The very thought that the problem is some external force takes away our power. Recognize when you start to feel like a victim and shift your thoughts back to "What can I do to help this situation?". This one shift of thinking can have a dramatic impact on your life. 

3) Listen for reactive language

 I read the  book a few times before I really took the suggestion to listen for reactive language in my life, but once I took it seriously I had an eye opening experience. "I have to", "I should", "He made me", "I have no choice" are obviously reactive language, but be aware of more subtle language or thoughts which take the responsibility for making the decision off of your shoulders. "My day is so busy" could be one example. Are you reacting to your schedule, or creating a day that meets your highest values. Our language shines a light on our true attitude. 

4) There is always a planning stage (first creation) before physical creation. 

 Another powerful principle which has several layers and with contemplation can become more meaningful. My day, my job, my relationship with my wife and kids...they are all created spiritually before any actual action takes place. This first creation happens whether I consciously apply myself to it or not.  If I don't take control of the first creation, it will happen for me, and likely will not be designed in the way I desire.  Meditation, visualization, writing, planning, goal setting. These are all key tools which can help me "design" my life before it just happens to me.

5) Emotional Bank Account

 Covey was likely not the first to come up with the metaphor of the Emotional Bank Account, and the principle seems to be common sense. The principle is simple to understand. In any relationship we fill up the account of emotional trust through our daily actions. When difficulties arise some of that balance will be withdrawn, but if the account becomes overdrawn it can cause real issues in the relationship. The application also sounds simple, but can make the difference between a happy relationship and a painful one. Make deposits every day, conscious, planned, designed deposits which will add strength to the relationship, and when crises come, there will be enough balance in the account to cover the difference.  Powerful.

6) Any time there is an issue in a relationship, that problem is an opportunity to improve the relationship. 

 This insight is almost hidden in the introduction to the habits of interdependence, but it struck me powerfully on my most recent reading of the book. If I have an argument or disagreement or some other difficult issue in a relationship, that very problem presents an incredible opportunity for me to strengthen the relationship and put a large deposit in the emotional bank account. If my son is  struggling with a rule such as his curfew, it can cause great strain in our relationship. But if I see that problem less as a 'I need to show him what's right' interaction, and more as an opportunity for me to build trust and a bond with him, through listening to and understanding his side, and showing true love and empathy, it can be a relationship building experience for us both. This simple bit of wisdom can transform relationships by itself.

7) Get Rid of Lose-Win thinking

 Covey's 4th habit is think "Win-Win"; one of those principles that has almost become saturated in our society over the past 30 years. It seems fairly obvious that there are situations where Win-Lose is enticing, but is not an effective attitude. However, who would ever think Lose-Win? In my most recent reading of the book, this principle of thinking Lose-Win hit me with force. There are situations where I actively practice Lose-Win. I allow the other person to have what they want, without clearly stating what I need in the interaction. I feel somehow noble by taking this course, but it almost always leads to emotional resentment and can often swing me entirely the other way until I am thinking extreme Win-Lose.  "You've had YOUR turn, now it's my turn to win."  This is a terrible cycle, and it's endless unless I act to remove myself from it. So maybe this is a principle that applies only to me, but be very careful with a Lose-Win mentality.

8) Abundance vs. Scarcity

 I often wonder why I struggle to actually apply a Win-Win mentality to life. For me the answer often comes down to my scarcity thinking. Abundance thinking naturally lends itself to the belief that I can win, AND you can win. But if there is only so much love/money/happiness in the world, then I have to fight you for my share to the deathm which leads to win-lose situations and constant frustration. Developing abundant thinking has a true impact on my ability to find solutions which benefit all involved.

9) Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

 The 5th habit is perhaps the most powerful, simple, yet difficult advice in the entire book. It's also self-explanatory. Take the time, real time, put in the effort to deeply understand the other persons point of view, before trying to be understood yourself. Following this principle revolutionizes interactions with others, especially those closest to us. It also takes true moral courage, and even a willingness to be influenced. It is powerful, and it is a value being lost in our society. When was the last time you watched a Republican and a Democrat on a news show who seemed genuinely interested in understanding the others point of view? It doesn't happen. Make it habit in your life, and the results will be remarkable.

10) Are my daily habits congruent with my deepest values

 I have daily habits, there isn't anything I can do about that. They happen whether I plan them (first creation) or not. The key question is, do those daily habits actually align with my true values. Do I have a habit of watching every football game I can? And is that habit congruent with the value I place on my family.  Taking time to evaluate our habits, then dumping the ones incongruent with our values, and adding new ones can be a life-changing experience.

Should I read it?
My most current reading of 7 Habits led me to see some of it's weaknesses. Covey uses a few strained examples, and gets caught in the trap of showing items like "win-win" as miracle working strategies through cherry picking examples. Overall, however, following the teachings of this book can be a transformational experience. Try reading it with non-cynical eyes, open your heart to the principles in the book, and pick out 2-3 items to improve on. It will enhance your effectiveness. If you haven't read Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, read it. If you already have, now may be a good time for a review.

Overall Personal Development Score - 94