What better place to start a blog on self development books than with one of the landmark books of self improvement. 7 Habits has become so popular that it has almost become unpopular. Words like "paradigm shift" and "proactive" have become punchlines for cynics.
The fact remains, this book is perhaps the single most influential self help book of the past 30 years, and even more importantly to me, the principles still touch me deep in my core. Each time I read this book, I come away with the same feeling:
"If I really implemented the contents of this book into my life, my effectiveness really would improve."
In fact, it was a recent reading of the book which inspired me to quit messing around with only urgent activities and put effort into this blog.
I am not going to spend a great deal of time giving an overview of the contents of a book like 7 Habits. The concepts are likely familiar to most. What I will do is share a basic summary, then 10 points that if applied, will make a real difference in your life.
Summary
Stephen Covey's thesis is fairly simple. There are governing principles of effectiveness which are just as real as the forces of nature. We can't break the law of gravity, we can only work with it. The principles of success are similar. Covey's point is that there are various "get rich quick" schemes in the world which promise a quick path to success. But these items, skills such as slick sales techniques, or personality enhancing tricks designed to get people to like us, simply don't lead to long term effectiveness unless at our core we are following correct principles. His 7 habits are applications of these correct principles, and if followed will lead to much greater personal effectiveness.
10 Power Principles
1) Production vs Production Capacity
A classic Coveyism is the principle of working both on production and production capacity. Breaking this down to it's simplest form, it is taking the time to get the oil changed in your car (production capacity) rather than driving (production) the car to it's death. We live and follow this principle in many areas of our lives, but how much effort do we put into strengthening relationships before we hit trouble? I know I often worry about what a relationship will give me (production) rather than spending key time strengthening the very core of that relationship (production capacity).
2) As soon as you have the thought that the problem is out there, that thought is the problem.
An effective, powerful person is not a victim. The problem is never "out there", because if the problem is out there, then the solution is out of our control. The very thought that the problem is some external force takes away our power. Recognize when you start to feel like a victim and shift your thoughts back to "What can I do to help this situation?". This one shift of thinking can have a dramatic impact on your life.
3) Listen for reactive language
I read the book a few times before I really took the suggestion to listen for reactive language in my life, but once I took it seriously I had an eye opening experience. "I have to", "I should", "He made me", "I have no choice" are obviously reactive language, but be aware of more subtle language or thoughts which take the responsibility for making the decision off of your shoulders. "My day is so busy" could be one example. Are you reacting to your schedule, or creating a day that meets your highest values. Our language shines a light on our true attitude.
4) There is always a planning stage (first creation) before physical creation.
Another powerful principle which has several layers and with contemplation can become more meaningful. My day, my job, my relationship with my wife and kids...they are all created spiritually before any actual action takes place. This first creation happens whether I consciously apply myself to it or not. If I don't take control of the first creation, it will happen for me, and likely will not be designed in the way I desire. Meditation, visualization, writing, planning, goal setting. These are all key tools which can help me "design" my life before it just happens to me.
5) Emotional Bank Account
Covey was likely not the first to come up with the metaphor of the Emotional Bank Account, and the principle seems to be common sense. The principle is simple to understand. In any relationship we fill up the account of emotional trust through our daily actions. When difficulties arise some of that balance will be withdrawn, but if the account becomes overdrawn it can cause real issues in the relationship. The application also sounds simple, but can make the difference between a happy relationship and a painful one. Make deposits every day, conscious, planned, designed deposits which will add strength to the relationship, and when crises come, there will be enough balance in the account to cover the difference. Powerful.
6) Any time there is an issue in a relationship, that problem is an opportunity to improve the relationship.
This insight is almost hidden in the introduction to the habits of interdependence, but it struck me powerfully on my most recent reading of the book. If I have an argument or disagreement or some other difficult issue in a relationship, that very problem presents an incredible opportunity for me to strengthen the relationship and put a large deposit in the emotional bank account. If my son is struggling with a rule such as his curfew, it can cause great strain in our relationship. But if I see that problem less as a 'I need to show him what's right' interaction, and more as an opportunity for me to build trust and a bond with him, through listening to and understanding his side, and showing true love and empathy, it can be a relationship building experience for us both. This simple bit of wisdom can transform relationships by itself.
7) Get Rid of Lose-Win thinking
Covey's 4th habit is think "Win-Win"; one of those principles that has almost become saturated in our society over the past 30 years. It seems fairly obvious that there are situations where Win-Lose is enticing, but is not an effective attitude. However, who would ever think Lose-Win? In my most recent reading of the book, this principle of thinking Lose-Win hit me with force. There are situations where I actively practice Lose-Win. I allow the other person to have what they want, without clearly stating what I need in the interaction. I feel somehow noble by taking this course, but it almost always leads to emotional resentment and can often swing me entirely the other way until I am thinking extreme Win-Lose. "You've had YOUR turn, now it's my turn to win." This is a terrible cycle, and it's endless unless I act to remove myself from it. So maybe this is a principle that applies only to me, but be very careful with a Lose-Win mentality.
8) Abundance vs. Scarcity
I often wonder why I struggle to actually apply a Win-Win mentality to life. For me the answer often comes down to my scarcity thinking. Abundance thinking naturally lends itself to the belief that I can win, AND you can win. But if there is only so much love/money/happiness in the world, then I have to fight you for my share to the deathm which leads to win-lose situations and constant frustration. Developing abundant thinking has a true impact on my ability to find solutions which benefit all involved.
9) Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
The 5th habit is perhaps the most powerful, simple, yet difficult advice in the entire book. It's also self-explanatory. Take the time, real time, put in the effort to deeply understand the other persons point of view, before trying to be understood yourself. Following this principle revolutionizes interactions with others, especially those closest to us. It also takes true moral courage, and even a willingness to be influenced. It is powerful, and it is a value being lost in our society. When was the last time you watched a Republican and a Democrat on a news show who seemed genuinely interested in understanding the others point of view? It doesn't happen. Make it habit in your life, and the results will be remarkable.
10) Are my daily habits congruent with my deepest values
I have daily habits, there isn't anything I can do about that. They happen whether I plan them (first creation) or not. The key question is, do those daily habits actually align with my true values. Do I have a habit of watching every football game I can? And is that habit congruent with the value I place on my family. Taking time to evaluate our habits, then dumping the ones incongruent with our values, and adding new ones can be a life-changing experience.
Should I read it?
My most current reading of 7 Habits led me to see some of it's weaknesses. Covey uses a few strained examples, and gets caught in the trap of showing items like "win-win" as miracle working strategies through cherry picking examples. Overall, however, following the teachings of this book can be a transformational experience. Try reading it with non-cynical eyes, open your heart to the principles in the book, and pick out 2-3 items to improve on. It will enhance your effectiveness. If you haven't read Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, read it. If you already have, now may be a good time for a review.
Overall Personal Development Score - 94
Should I read it?
My most current reading of 7 Habits led me to see some of it's weaknesses. Covey uses a few strained examples, and gets caught in the trap of showing items like "win-win" as miracle working strategies through cherry picking examples. Overall, however, following the teachings of this book can be a transformational experience. Try reading it with non-cynical eyes, open your heart to the principles in the book, and pick out 2-3 items to improve on. It will enhance your effectiveness. If you haven't read Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, read it. If you already have, now may be a good time for a review.
Overall Personal Development Score - 94
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