Self-Compassion teaches the principle of treating ourselves more kindly. In general as humans, and especially in our western culture, we tend to be internally critical. Kristin teaches that we should be more kind to ourselves, that self-criticism actually does significant damage to our happiness, and that through having compassion for our mistakes, hard times, and pain, we can find more peace. Kristin wrote this book in a very personal voice, including sharing some of her pain and mistakes. In a vulnerable way she shares times she had to give her self-compassion. This book presents a unique take on how we talk to ourselves, and provides a significant insight worthy of deep consideration.
10 Personal Development Lessons from Self-Compassion
1) There are few people we treat more poorly than we treat ourselves.
Think about how you treat someone you care about when they have a hard time? We often respond with compassion and kindness. Yet in our own lives we can be extremely harsh. Why do we treat ourselves worse than we treat others when we make a mistake? Next time you make a mistake, think of your best friend, the person who cares about you the most...then treat yourself the way you imagine this friend would treat you in that situation. So much kinder than your own normal attacks on yourself right?
2) We talk to ourselves in brutal ways, pay attention to it.
This is a fairly common theme in self-help books. There is value in improving your self talk. But Kristin talks specifically about the way we talk to ourselves when we make a mistake. Say I stumble in a conversation with my boss, what kind of language do I use to describe the mistake to myself? Often I end up saying 'I am so stupid, how could I be so dumb." This kind of language is just brutal to our systems, and is the exact opposite of healthy, self-compassionate words.
3) Humans fail and make mistakes, it's part of life. Accept it.
Did you just put your foot in your mouth while flirting with the cute girl next door? What about sending an email to an unintended recipient? Or maybe you just missed the big shot in your latest basketball game? Guess what? You are not alone. There are millions of people before you who have made mistakes just like yours, some much worse. It's part of the human experience to fail at times; it's natural to make mistakes. Accepting that these things are part of the human experience can lead to us be much more gentle with ourselves.
4) Self-compassion allows us the breathing room to admit our mistakes. Admitting mistakes allows us to improve.
Another common theme in personal development books is some version of "Learn from your mistakes." The trouble is, if we are constantly beating ourselves up for every mistake we make, we make ourselves feel so horrible that we become afraid to admit mistakes, even (or maybe especially) to ourselves. However, if we treat mistakes with compassion, see ourselves as human, and give ourselves kindness in those moments of failure, we become more free to admit our mistakes, and therefore more able to confront them and work to improve. Be careful doing this though, it may lead to healthy behavior.
5) "I love and respect myself exactly as I am"
Just simply a great mantra to repeat to yourself often. It doesn't mean we can't look to improve, and it doesn't mean we don't want to be better, it simply means that we can care for ourselves just as we are, and that we are worthy of love. Try it. Use this in your daily quiet time or anytime you start to beat yourself up.
6) Mindfulness is critical to self-compassion.
Mindfulness is the ability to recognize how we are doing in the moment. Many times we get upset, angry, frustrated, or some other negative emotion and we begin to beat ourselves up before we even recognize the emotion we are feeling. Developing the skill of checking ourselves out, asking "how am I really doing right now?" allows us to recognize a difficult emotion. Once recognized we can give ourselves healthy care and compassion.
7) Don't beat yourself up for beating yourself up
Conversation I had with myself: "Man, I read this great book about self-compassion, it sounds awesome. Why am I such a moron that I can't even be nice to myself once in a while. What an idiot I am for not practicing self-compassion." Don't do that. Show yourself compassion for not showing enough compassion, and then build from there.
8) Self-compassion helps me stay out of the cycle of poor behavior.
One of the most common cycles in human behavior is to do something that makes us feel bad, which leads to us trying to find something to ease that pain, choosing something that brings momentary pleasure but long term pain, and then ending right back up in the pain again, and looking for a way to ease it. Around and around we go. Get out of that cycle by feeling the pain, accepting it, giving yourself compassion for hurting, and then moving through it.
9) Suffering=resistance*pain
Kristin puts this formula in her book, and it took me a little while to think through it, but there is a reality here. We do have to feel pain, but we don't have to suffer for it. Allowing ourselves to feel the pain, to grieve, to have compassion for ourselves during this time, can significantly ease our suffering. Resistance is futile.
10) Self-Esteem is overrated, empty, and has unintended consequences.
Kristin makes the point very strongly that self-compassion is much better than self-esteem. Self-esteem is based on accomplishment, and depends on us appearing to be good in all environments. This can have the unintended consequence of us putting others down to appear better, or not trying difficult things if we are afraid of failure. Try working on self-compassion instead, it can help us feel peace even in difficult times.
Should You Read It?
Often when I summarize a book with 10 key points I feel like I have done a decent job of covering the book. In this case I haven't scratched the surface. Kristin shares deep insights in each chapter, and my notes left me with over 30 points I wanted to remember and apply. She believes strongly in meditation, and shares some detailed meditations in the book which I have found helpful. (She also generously posts many of these meditations on her website, www.self-compassion.org) After reading through hundreds of self-development books which talk about vision, goal setting, achieving, attaining, and winning, I found it refreshing to read something about caring for myself, and the power of treating myself with kindness. This book has led to significant positive changes in my life, and I can't give a book a better recommendation than that. I would highly recommend a reading of Self-Compassion.
Personal Development Score - 93
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